WARNING!
Long textual content ahead. Boring story about me ahead.
These past few days I've been really stressed or should I say depressed. I was even thinking that maybe I'm already sick. When I was younger I've never felt that I existed. I always felt that I'm just a "ghost" floating around everywhere. I always thought that I was just in someone's dream or even, I'm on my own dream. This year, I tried to open up to some of my friends. They feel a little bit worried and asked me to see a specialist but I never did because I just feel like it. I tried to open up to a family member.. But I felt more depressed. I was hoping for a better reaction but i over-estimated.
Then, someone from our family came home from abroad. I thought he would be staying with us... It turned out that more than half of his stay here in the Philippines, he's with his new family. Okay, let's be real. I'm talking about my father. I know it's so wrong to feel mad to him but I can't help it. He told us that he'll come home to us on the 25th but he ended up coming home on the 27th. Mind you, his flight will be on the 30th. When he came home would he expect me to be happy? Haven't he thought that I'm in pain? I actually even thought that "Ah, I would be okay if wouldn't even show up before he leaves."
I admit, I'm not in best terms with my father, but I do love him but I was in too much pain because of some revelations. I know this is too personal, and this blog is supposed to be beauty related stuffs but I can't help it because I might explode any moment now if I don't let this out. What pains me really was that he kept his second marriage a secret. I know this going way too personal but I can't help it. No one's even gonna read it. Fine. He kept it a secret. But why is it that we were the last one to know? I know, he would bring his wife to our house but he never told us that she was his wife. Tricycle drivers from our town knows that they're married. Wow. Unbelievable.
We learned it when his wife was pregnant. Now, another thing that made me think too hard. My father let my younger sister be adopted by aunt but he made another baby. Isn't that a little bit insulting? Wouldn't my younger sister feel bad about it? Wouldn't she hate us when she'll realize it? Me and my eldest sister still communicate with my younger sister. But wouldn't we be the "Tres Marias" when she's here? Would I have someone by my side to listen to my stories? My heart is in pain for her. I know, she's with her new family and she knows us as her biological sister. But would she take it to heart like the way I do?
My family is the most important thing in my life. When someone hurts them, you're hurting me most. There was one time my uncle received a text message from someone. Let's be a little bit more specific. My father's wife. I don't know the exact text message the she sent her really hurts. My father would always give me his phone before he leaves few years ago but I would always end up regretting it after reading some conversations. I know it's wrong to read someone else's messages but it's not time for me to explain myself. I saw their conversation and it hurts me inside that she's saying bad things about my mother's sister and my aunt my father tried to fight for my relatives though...
Right now, I'm crying on my cousin's bed because they're sleeping in my room because as I have said a while ago, my father came home with his wife and their son, my brother. His wife treats us well but I'm not really sure if she's showing her real self. You couldn't blame after reading her text messages about my relatives right? I, too feel so bad about it. But let's just see how it goes.
I was actually expecting to gain weight this summer and I actually thought that I'm already gaining some but it turned out that I was actually loosing some weight. Maybe I was too stressed and I'm just holding on to my friends and my relatives who keeps on supporting us. I'm really sorry for my dramatic life. My friend actually sees me as a jolly girl. But as they say, behind a girl's smile is their sad life. I'll continue hanging on as much as I can for those people who actually loves me.
DISCLAIMER: I don't hate my father. I seriously love him. I just seriously trust every single person too much that it hurts me when they don't do the same. I just take everything to heart that's why little things made me so stressed out and depressed. Sorry for being too dramatic.
Do you have any advice for me? Share it by leaving your comment on the comment bar.
Thank you for reading. Enjoy your day, have a nice day.. :)
~xoxo, Jenny
